This Time Around
by Jade Daniels
Summary: What if Angel had managed to kill Cordelia?


**Disclaimer:**_ Angel doesn't belong to me._

**Author's Notes:**_ This is a simple one-shot, answering the question, what if Angel had been a second faster and managed to kill Cordelia, thus stopping Jasmine from coming into the world? _

**This Time Around  
By: Jade Daniels**

Another apocalypse had been averted and the world was safe once again. For how long, he didn't know and at this point, he really didn't give a damn. Let the world take care of itself for once. There were more important things on his mind. As he stared down at the blood soaked body of his beloved, he wondered if a safe world was worth the price he had just paid: a dead Cordelia Chase. 

"You killed her." Connor's voice was low, threatening, yet filled with shock and sadness. The teenager crawled up beside the body, hugging the cooling form close to him. Tears streaked down his face as he looked up at his father, his eyes murderous. "You killed her!" 

Angel looked down at his son. He found his own emotions mirrored in Connor's face. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. "I had to." The words sounded hollow even to him. 

A slight sneer crossed Connor's face. "She said you were jealous. Jealous of our love, of our... our baby...." The words came out in sob-wrenched stutter as Connor realized he had lost not only one, but two precious lives. 

"That thing inside Cordy was controlling her," explained Angel, his voice harsh. He wanted to be the one beside Cordelia, holding her close. But he knew that he had no right, not after thrusting a blade through her body. Instead, he would have to remain content just standing on the sidelines, trying to explain to his grief-filled son, why he had to kill the woman they both loved. "She tried to kill Lorne!" 

"You were all against her! Against us!" Connor shouted in defiance. "Everything we did, we had to do for the baby! Even when.... Even when...." 

Suddenly, Angel had a feeling that Connor was talking about something different. "Even when what?" 

A few moments passed in silence. "That girl..." Connor finally whispered. "Sacrificed for our baby. Everything was for the baby... We were special. We had to do it." Connor's words trickled into an incoherent mumble, as he continued to rock back and forth, holding tightly to Cordelia's body. 

Angel threw his sword to the ground in a sudden burst of anger. Yet another life lost. It didn't take a genius to figure out what had happened. Nearby was the body of one dead girl. Take that with Connor's words, and it became painfully clear what had happened. The blood from the girl had somehow been used in the ritual Cordelia (no, not Cordelia... the thing inside of her!) had been performing to give birth. Somehow, Conner had been a part of it, and from the guilt in his son's voice, he hadn't liked it. 

"I'm sorry," whispered Angel, although whether it was to the dead girl, to Cordelia, to Connor, or even to himself, he wasn't sure. 

He looked back at the body. Cordelia's body. He didn't care what Skip had said; this was not the way things were supposed to end. He was the hero, the Champion of the Powers That Be! He was supposed to save the woman he loved, not kill her! Where the hell was that damned happy ending? Why did this have to happen to Cordelia? Why had that thing been inside her, and not someone else? Why couldn't have there been another way? 

"Angel!" The vampire didn't need his extra senses to know that it was Fred who had called his name. He wasn't surprised to find her, and most likely Gunn and Wesley, here. After all, it wasn't as if he had kept what he was going to do a secret. "Guys! I found him." 

The physics genius came up beside him. "Angel..." she started, putting a hand on the vampire's arm. But her voice faltered as she caught sight of Connor with Cordelia's body. "Oh my God," she whispered, sounding horrified. "You did it..." The touch of her hand fell away. 

"I had to," Angel repeated for the second time that night. Again, the words held no meaning for him. 

"Oh man," Gunn's voice was quiet as he and Wesley came up to the group. 

Wesley's voice was soft as he spoke. "Angel, I'm sorry." 

Angel clenched his fists. "Yeah, tell that Cordelia." 

Wesley's only reply was, "We'll call an ambulance for the girl. Then we'll go back to the hotel." 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Death was a reality that Lorne was all too familiar with. It was something that was cherished back in his home dimension, and here, ever since he had hooked up with Angel Investigations, death seemed to follow him around like a lost puppy. Well, it followed the gang around actually; he was just along for the ride. Even so, death had never hit so close to home before. 

Cordelia Chase was dead. She had been a bright spirit, one that he had come to know and love, even if she couldn't sing. And now that gorgeous spirit was extinguished. The gang had brought her back from the warehouse, along with Connor and Angel. She had been wrapped in a body bag, one which the group had begun taking with them to cart off demon bodies. Her body now lay upstairs, lying on her bed. It had taken a lot of effort to wrench Connor away from the body, but finally they had managed it. Even so, he had ended up going to her room and hadn't been heard from in the past few hours. Angel himself had vanished, although from the sound of crashing upstairs, it was obvious that he wouldn't be very hard to find. 

Downstairs, things were no better. Everyone was still in a state of shock over what had happened, each expressing their grief in their own way. Gunn had taken some weapons with him downstairs and was presumably destroying something or other, at least until he could find some vampires to dust. Wesley had hidden himself in the office, as always isolating himself from everyone else. And Fred, the poor girl, was sitting on the couch in the lobby, quietly sobbing away. 

Lorne was really in no better state, but he knew that it was up to him to try and do some damage control. He had long ago realized that was what seemed to be his place within this group: provide the magic, provide the comfort, and provide the some of the heart. He sat down beside Fred, taking the slim girl into his arms. She willingly laid her head on his shoulder as the tears continued to streak down her face. 

"That's right cupcake, let it all out." 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

"I always knew that this job would kill me one day. I just never thought you'd be the one to do it." 

Angel turned towards the sound of that painfully familiar voice. "Cordy?" 

"Hey Angel." 

There she was standing in front of him, looking like an angel all dressed in white. There was an ethereal glow surrounding her, yet it seemed to be a radiance that just shone from within her. As he watched her standing there, Angel wanted badly to just run up and take her into his arms. Yet, somehow he knew that he couldn't. There seemed to be some force that separated the two of them. 

"Where are we?" he finally asked, looking around him. The two of them were surrounded in darkness, yet somehow they were able to see each other. He wondered how he had gotten here. The last thing he remembered was throwing things around his room, for all the good that had been doing him in dealing with his grief. 

"I guess the best thing to call it is limbo," Cordelia answered with a shrug. "Don't look at me for answers! I just got sent here." 

"Why?" asked Angel. Who would send the women he loved to meet with him? Was it another sick cosmic joke that the universe had felt like playing upon him? 

Cordelia walked up to him with a serene and wise look upon her face, one that he had rarely seen before. It looked good. "I needed to talk to you, about what happened." 

"I killed you!" Angel burst out angrily, "What more is there to say?" Torture, he decided. The universe must have wanted to torture him today. It wasn't enough that he had killed the woman he loved, but now he had to confront her ghost too? 

"Plenty!" She walked up to him, and before he knew what had happened, she had slapped him upside the head. 

"What was that for?" he demanded, rubbing his head. Now why in the world was Cordelia able to touch him and he not her? Another type of torture? 

"For not knowing that I was taken over by an evil thing!" she replied, now standing at a distance from him, her arms crossed. The look on her face was no longer wise and serene, but typically Cordy-angry. 

Angel blinked stupidly, trying to process what she had just said. "What? You're angry at me for that?" He would have thought the whole sword-in-her-heart thing would have taken precedence. 

She looked at him indignantly. "For the past few months there was this thing inside of me and none of you knew?" She stomped in front of him, her eyes blazing. "How in the world could you be so dense?" 

"Hey, it's not like you...it... was acting any different!" Angel threw back. 

"Really?" Cordelia glared at him. "Me sleeping with Connor?" She shuddered at the thought of that particular act. "That didn't seem even remotely out of the ordinary?" 

Angel couldn't really respond to that. He had been so filled with betrayal when he had seen Cordelia with Connor that he hadn't really taken the time to talk with her about it. He hadn't wanted to know the reason behind it. And when he had talked to Cordelia, her telling him to simply 'get over it' had shocked him enough that he had never wanted to mention it again. Instead, he had just concentrated on the apocalyptic events that had surrounded Los Angeles at the time. 

"I didn't know, okay?" he finally shouted at her. "I didn't know! And I should have. Dammit Cordy, I love you, and I should have known!" 

"Yeah, maybe you should have. But nobody else knew either," she admitted, her voice calm, yet resigned, in yet another lightning-quick change in mood. "I guess it isn't much use blaming you guys for not recognizing me." She sighed, "But it would have been nice if you could have figured things out a little sooner." 

He couldn't deny her words. "Yeah, then...." He waved his hand in the air. "Then none of this would have ever happened." He looked at her. "I wouldn't have killed you." 

"Oh, so we're back to that," she replied, circling around him. "Angel, I know you're feeling guilty about it." She rolled her eyes. "What am I saying? You'd feel guilty if you squished a fly! But don't you understand? You don't have to be! This was something you had to do. You saved the world." 

"As if that is supposed to matter when you're dead!" he burst out. 

"Well, it's my life!" she retorted. "And I'm the one who can say whether or not it should be given to save the world! And I say that it's a fair price to pay!" 

Now it was his turn to look indignant. "You're dead Cordy. Dead. How many more people I love have to die, just so that I can save the world? What kind of price is that to pay, just so that I make sure the world can live to see another day? It doesn't matter if I can't live another day without you. I don't want to." 

"But you have to," she said, looking away from him. "You're the Champion, Angel. That is who you are. It's your job to save the world. Me? I'm just Vision-Girl, remember? You can get someone else to hold the visions. Maybe Lorne, he's got the demon-genes for it. I don't think demonizing another human will work, since the guy who did it for me wasn't really working for the Powers...." She turned around and frowned. "Just, don't try to take them on yourself." 

"Cordy, that isn't all that you are to me!" Angel cried, surprised that she would still think that. "You aren't just 'Vision-Girl' to me, and I don't want to replace you." He wished that he could touch her. "I love you." 

His words seemed to shock her. She looked at him, her eyes wide. "You do?" 

He nodded. "Yeah, I do. Don't you remember me telling you when you came back down from the higher plane?" 

She grinned. "Yeah, I just like hearing you say it. And it's nice to be able to tell you how I really feel about it. All that time after I came back, I was there but not really you know? It was sort of like I was watching a movie of myself, only I wouldn't have played myself so badly." 

"I was going to tell you a few months ago you know," he informed her. "You know, when we were going to meet at the beach?" 

"Oh," she replied, still looking a bit surprised, "I was going to tell you too. It was Groo who made me realize my feelings for you. I was driving to the beach to tell you when... well I got beamed up." 

She shook her head. "Well, this is great. Here I was all ready to tell you not to feel guilty about killing me and I get myself depressed." She sniffed a little. "Our lives were pretty much a big cosmic joke huh? You love me. I love you. But I'm dead, so what can we do?" 

"Well, we could hold each other," suggested Angel, gaining some sudden insight into why he couldn't touch her. He had begun to realize that she was the one controlling things here in this limbo. He couldn't really do anything unless she wanted it. "Can I hold you Cordy?" 

She nodded, letting herself be enfolded in his arms. He closed his eyes as he embraced her. It had been a long time since he had done this. The smoothness of the satiny fabric of her clothing felt wonderful under his fingers. The smell of her hair wafted up to his nose, reminding him of the shampoo that Cordelia liked to use. It was just an extrasensory experience, having her in his arms. The sound and sight of her hadn't been enough, he had to feel her, smell her.... Would it be possible to complete that last sense? 

"Cordy, I have something else to ask you," he said. She looked up at him. 

It was a moment that could have been scripted out a cliché romantic movie, yet somehow it seemed entirely appropriate. His head moved towards hers and hers towards his. "Can I..." he began to ask. 

"Kiss me?" she whispered as their lips met. 

It was a sweet kiss, one filled with the tension and passion that had been between the two never-would-be lovers for the past two years. Since neither of them had the need to breathe, (he was a vampire, and she was dead) it turned out to be a very long kiss as well. By the time they came apart, both were feeling more than a little dazed. 

"Wow," Cordelia said, feeling breathless despite that the fact she didn't need to breathe. "If that's the way you kiss all the women you love...." 

"Yeah?" asked Angel. 

Cordelia smiled, "Then Buffy was a luckier girl than I realized." 

Angel hugged Cordelia close, laying his head upon hers. "I never loved Buffy the way I love you." 

"I know," she replied. "All love is different." She sighed. "I wish this could last forever." 

The reality of their situation hit him like a bucket of cold water. He tightened his embrace, realizing that every moment they spent was approaching nearer to their last. "I'm sorry Cordelia." 

"I'm sorry too," she responded, "I'm sorry that I couldn't fight that thing inside of me. I wish that I had been stronger." 

"You are strong," he said, "You are one of the strongest people that I know. Believe that." 

"You know, that's something you'll have to be," she noted, "Not to let yourself get all broody again. I know you think this is all your fault, but Skip was right you know... there were a lot of things that led up to this. If you hadn't done what you did... you don't want to know what could have happened." 

"That still doesn't make me feel better," he replied. 

She looked up at him, moving her arms to enfold around his neck. "No, I didn't think it would. But know this Angel, I don't blame you for killing me. It wasn't the best way my life could have ended, but like I said before, I know it's something that you had to do." 

He smiled softly. "Thanks Cordy. I love you." 

"I love you too Angel." With that, their lips met again. 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Angel awoke suddenly, finding himself in his bed and unfortunately, alone. Not wanting to see the world at the moment, he closed his eyes, letting himself remember his last few moments with Cordelia. He had finally been able to hold her and that would be the last memory he would have of her for a very long time. He was still very tempted to think that the whole conversation had been some sort of cosmic joke by the gods just to torture him once again. But, Cordelia had given him something to think about. She didn't blame him for killing her. Now if only he could do the same for himself. 

It couldn't be done overnight. It couldn't be done in a few days, or even a few weeks. No, he knew that this would take a long time before he really got over what he had done. Maybe fate had led to this conclusion, but that didn't diminish his part in it. He had killed Cordelia. At this point, it looked highly unlikely that this was something he was ever going to get over. 

However, time continued, and the world moved on, as did those within Angel Investigations. A funeral was held for Cordelia in Sunnydale, where Angel and his crew helped the Scooby Gang with their current problem. There had certainly been a few surprises that had popped up there. Angel had never seen so many Slayers, or at least, potential ones in one place. On top of that, he discovered that he wasn't the only vampire with a soul anymore. He had never thought he'd live to see the day that the snarly British vampire would become anything like him. It had been almost too funny to think of. 

Once back in L.A., the gang continued with their own business, taking out vampires and other assorted demons, thus 'helping the helpless', as Cordelia used to call it. Connor had gone off on his own, but Angel managed to keep an eye on his son. Wesley was slowly becoming part of the group again, but how that would end up, no one knew, as tensions between him, Gunn and Fred still seemed fairly high. Lorne continued his own business, helping out whenever he could. He was finally learning how to fight, or at least hold his own, so that at least, he wouldn't get knocked out whenever there was a fight around. 

And Angel? It wasn't easy, but he learned to live without Cordelia. He learned to move on from the guilt of killing her, although he continued to carry it inside him. And he learned to stop thinking that the gods were using him as a cosmic joke at his expense... well, most of the time. 


End file.
